Sometimes I wonder if we are caught in a rather difficult rut of human evolution. If sex is critical (or should I say required) for reproduction and therefore our survival as a species, it makes plenty of sense that it is a pleasurable activity. It also makes sense that sex provides a boost of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, enabling couples to feel closer.
But if it feels good and brings us closer as a couple, why is it so common for sex drive to plummet after kids are in the picture?! It is to stop us from behaving like rabbits and creating a population explosion? I doubt it. I think middle of the night feedings, diapers, the terrible twos, and a host of other ‘symptoms’ related to children put the kibosh on that argument long ago. Besides sex is still a great stress reliever with a host of physiological benefits and those are things we can all use more of – at any age, with or without kids around.
So what can we do to combat the fact, biologically driven or not, that desire often wanes in long term relationships – even when we want to want it? Understanding the problem and becoming aware of some solutions can go a long way toward creating an intimate relationship for life – one where you feel supported, connected, and emotionally close to your partner. And a strong relationship between the parents is just what’s needed to create a strong family – something evolution should definitely be for!
But if it feels good and brings us closer as a couple, why is it so common for sex drive to plummet after kids are in the picture?!
So how can you boost your sex drive and reclaim some intimacy in your relationship?
- Understand what you need to feel connected to your partner. Although that sounds easy, sometimes we’re so busy that we haven’t taken the time to reflect on our relationship or on our needs. Knowing what you need to feel loved in your relationship is an important first step. If you don’t know your love language yet or your partner’s, take one of the love language quizzes on line. This will at least get you heading in the right direction about what it takes to make you both feel loved and appreciated.
- Have a conversation about sex with your partner. Initiating this conversation can be hard to do if you haven’t really broached the subject before. It requires you and your partner to be vulnerable with each other. Funny how talking about sex requires more intimacy than having sex! You need to find out from each other how important sex is to each of you, how frequently each of you wants it, what turns each of you on, and if it’s important who initiates sex. These pointers can help you start that conversation.
- Determine what arouses you. Maybe you didn’t need to think much about how to get turned on early in your relationship because it just happened, but now you need a jumpstart – and you know that sex is oh-so-much-better when you are in the mood for it! So what does it take to get you in the mood? For most women, we need our brains turned off (from kids, work, car pools and to-do lists) to get turned on. In other words, we need to be cognitively aroused. And of course, that is why I created After Nine Tonight. To provide an easy to use, fast, effective and enjoyable way to help get into the right frame of mind to reclaim the intimacy in your relationship. Check out one of our films tonight to rev up your sex drive.
Maybe someday evolution will figure this out so we can be naturally full of desire, but I for one didn’t want to wait that long and I doubt you want to either.