After Nine Tonight

How to Initiate Sex More Often


When it comes to married sex, one of the biggest obstacles that many women struggle to overcome is being the initiator. The funny thing is that we all know how important sex is in building a healthy, happy relationship – so why do we struggle to initiate sex? One reason may be that historically, initiating sex was the husband’s role, and somehow this “legacy” has stuck. Another reason could be that some women just don’t have spontaneous sexual thoughts, so initiating doesn’t even enter our minds, or sometimes we just aren’t confident enough. We could spend hours teasing out all the possible reasons for why women don’t initiate sex more often but chatting about how to initiate sex is a far more constructive discussion point.

The first thing that we need to remember about married sex is that it is not only crucial to a healthy marriage but it satisfies an emotional need for men, just as talking does for women. In her book For Women Only, Shaunti Feldhaun tells us “Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him, as, say, his sudden silence would be to you… It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance – and just as dangerous to your marriage.” The bottom line is that your husband needs sex for emotional intimacy. And who doesn’t want emotional intimacy with their partner?

When you learn to initiate, you will be able to not only satisfy your own physical desires when you need to, but you will also be breaking the monotonous cycle of him initiating and you either denying him or simply going through the motions of boring married sex.  And there is nothing more exciting for your husband than having you confidently initiate sex. So, enough beating round the bush, here are a few sex initiation 101 pointers that you can use to shift the gear from idle to go within a week!

Do not sit on the fence with this one – you need to 100% commit yourself to initiating sex. Clear your diary and set one day this week for you to take the reigns in the bedroom. Don’t let other things get in the way – it is so easy to fall back on the excuse of kids, gym, work or chores. In fact why not enlist the help of a close girlfriend to make you accountable for your actions? Much like a gym buddy encouraging you to workout, your girlfriend can encourage you to follow through with your goal!

Mentally Prepare:
This is probably the most important point for me. Once my brain is into it, I can barely hold myself back.  There are so many ways to do get your mental muscle working – indulge in some erotic reading, wear your sexiest underwear, let your mind run wild with sexual fantasies, watch a steamy film or better yet switch on one of the episodes in our film series to really get you in the mood.

Be Enthusiastic:
Nothing makes initiating married sex more awkward than a halfhearted attempt. Imagine your husband rolling over on the couch and whispering “So, we are probably due to have sex.  I know you want it…” or “I guess it is about that time of the night, if you are keen” into your ear. Not very exciting. If you are going to commit and mentally prepare yourself, you are almost half way there so don’t lose the plot in the enthusiasm department. If you are not brave enough to sensually straddle your husband in your negligee and ask him if he is “up” for it, with a naughty glint in your eye, there are other ways to make your intentions known. Get creative! You can build things up throughout the day by leaving sexy notes in his briefcase, teasing him with texts, or even snapping and sending him a cheeky picture. Or if you don’t have the whole day to devote to building things up, let your body do the talking – simply come up from behind, wrap your arms around him, nibble his ear and let your hands explore his body.

Finally make sure that you follow through! Once you have initiated things don’t just leave the rest up to him. When you are married, sex is one of the most important bonding experiences that you and your husband can experience together. Let him know that when it comes to sex, you are as excited by him as he is by you.

Be brave and enjoy!

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